So, much time has passed since I vented on this dear livejournal. I would just like to provide updates on my previous posts.

To the Friends Forever and all that Jazz:

That time was the most difficult time of my life. Feeling helpless when a friend desperately needs you. It lasted about a year, this horrid time. But I suppose we all grew from it. I guess that's what is suppose to happen after times of hardship, growth and maturity. I am ever so pleased to share that everything is well again. The bonds that had been murdered, somehow were brought back to life. We are complete again, I am complete again. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel as though I can breathe once again. And boy did I miss easy breathing.

To any entry pertaining to a male:

Well. Sadly all efforts failed. Though as silly as it may sound, I do not regret anything, and I would probably do it all over again. This guy is a good guy, he brought many smiles and good times...he also brought heart ache and tears. I was told the wait would be worth it, waiting for us both to be home is all we needed to do and then we'd give it a shot. Well, drats. The summer was ridiculous. It started off with glimmering hope, for real, I was so satisfied in the thought that this was going to happen. Alas, all summer brought was heart ache, deep heart ache and questions without answers. I wish I would have gotten some answers then. We went from being connected to strangers in just 4 months. The way I was given answers was when he had found another. That was a blow. They still remain together, so I guess they must like each other a lot. I only wish I would have been warned, rather than have to stumble upon it when it was thrown in front of me. She is a nice person and is really into him. But I know I am being cruel and selfish, but, I cannot like her. I can recognize her good qualities, but I do not like her. I am jealous, I know that is true, but I don't know if that is the sole reason. The fellow and I are still friends, for that I am grateful. It is almost like old times, our friendship that is. It is hard seeing him with her, I hate it. I think he is oblivious to my real reaction, I have a damn good act going here, pretending it didn't phase me, pretending I have moved on, pretending I like her. And I think he believes it, he has to because of the way he acts and speaks to me/ about me. That's also hard, him doing some things I know he shouldn't, and that is kind of unacceptable seeing our past and that he has a girlfriend now. But again, he seems oblivious. Or maybe he too is putting on an act, I hope so, for foolish reasons of course.

I have tried to move on. There have been a few new guys and new possibilities, but my wall is built so high and so thick that I did not let them in. I got scared and distanced myself. I'm sure I hurt them on the way, which I am not proud of at all. How dare I put others through what I had to deal with, even though it was completely unintentional, which it was. It took a great effort, and someone definitely got their hopes up, for me to realize, I'm just not ready. I can't be in a relationship. It was foolish of me to hope that a relationship would be the answer to get over this guy, that's not fair to anyone. I only wish I would have come to this realization before I let down someone I truly care about. But I mean, I could only be honest with him and with myself, I just cannot do this. I am not ready to give my heart away, it's so closely guarded not even the Trojan horse could trick its way in. I am not ready to make that emotional commitment because I am still scared. I can't pretend to be able to trust someone. I'm very frustrated with myself for still recovering from this past heart ache, I have passed up several amazingly great guys because of it. I am not looking for Mr. Right or any of that nonsense, I don't buy into that whole scene. I can only wish that this situation and time will heal my still broken heart. Gosh I hate admitting things like that. This situation, with this guy I thought I could give my heart away to did answer some of the questions I sought out during the summer. I understood why the guy that broke my heart, did and said some of the things that he did, it was ironic because I had to use some of the same words when I told this new guy we just couldn't be more than friends. It was kind of ridiculous how most of the things I was told, were perfect for me to tell the new guy. So at least that once again was a disguise for a life lesson. For another piece of tape for my  heart and some peace of mind. I understand him more clearly, though not completely, and just because I understand his mindset for that particular conversation, does not mean I accept it or like it at all. It doesn't change the effect those words had on me. The one thing that was crucially different between what he said to me, and what I had to say to the new guy, was I did not say it would be worth the wait. I know it wouldn't be and I was brave enough to say so, to beg him to move on because my foolishness would bring nothing good for him. Maybe the guy who said those things to me, simply was afraid of hurting my feelings, which is ironic because that never stopped him before. Or maybe, and this is what I have to believe, maybe he truly thought it was worth fighting for. I don't know why a microscopic ray of hope still exists in my exhausted heart, but there it is. And until that hope is silenced, I cannot move on and let my guard down for any guy.

Sheryl Crow knows her stuff, the first cut really is the deepest.

<3

Addie

so. now that the breakthrough i have been waiting for for a year has happened, why is it fading so quickly? it just happened , and yet it seems so hard to recall. when i speak of it, i no longer get that sensation in my soul, or that smile on my lips. I wonder if i even like him anymore. like seriously. i am afraid that the only reason i am sticking with him, is because i have grown so accustomed to it, its like a comfort thing. maybe this phase of no feeling will pass, they usually do. but, do i even want it to pass? do i want to be done once and for all with this? the mention of his name no longer brings happiness, i feel empty. like at last all my emotion towards him, is gone. and i guess that kinda scares me. but, i don't think it's fair, just because he left for now, doesn't mean i can forget him. and that is kinda what's happening. just thinking of him name used to release the butterflies and a smile would spread from ear to ear, but now, my face remains blank, and the flutter is absent. and i know this is good, i am not feeling stuck with him, but idk, not focusing on him scares me, like it was a safety blanket, idk it's dumb, i know.i'm just at a loss right now. do i wait til i see him again to decide? do i leave the past behind and allow the future to unwrap? it seems like an obvious answer, but right now, i need some serious thinking time.

I was just looking through some old yearbooks from Hester and it hit me. I am a senior in High School. As I flipped through the pages looking at how much everyone has grown and succeeded it saddened me that I will prolly never see them again after this year. I was reading all the signings where people said they would never forget me. And I almost started crying. I think my closest friends were made at Hester. I matured and grew and gained my ambition there. As cheesy as it sounds, it was s much like a home to me. I was so involved and was like the top dog. I set the bar in academics as well as vocally. I really knew who I was and what I could do. I was so confident and felt truly comfortable with being myself. Now, I cannot say that remains. I am no longer connected with almost any of the best friends I had at Hester. I wish that I could have remained close to all those who meant the most to me. And I can't help but cry at the thought of lost friends and broken bonds. It is just a forshadowing of High School. So i must make this year amazing and enjoy my friendships while I can. And hopefully along the way, I can truly find myself again. To all those who were my friend, and still are. I truly want to thank you so much for making my life worth living.

I read Antigone, and I am kinda lost. The plot seems so choppy. The dialogue just kinda tails the previous line, I don't know, it didn't seem like there was an apparent flow. It wasn't cohesive. I think I have a certain personality and voice that I want to implement for the part. Auditions are tomorrow at 10. I have work at 11. Hopefully I can put everything into my audition and not allow the time to waver my focus. If me and Trish are together onstage, I know we are going to be exactly what Narter is looking for.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just had a gyro, and I am so full! I also got my school supplies today. It kinda makes everything so final. Like, school is going to start soon. Heck, ACCESS training is next week already! My last day of work is in two weeks! Auditions are now. I need to organize my life and make my lists, schedules, and calendars. Oh, and I need to do my summer Bio assignment. YIKES!

so

         i was watching this interview with emma watson and the person giving the interview asked what the most extravagent thing she bought was. she said nothing could ever top what rupert grint bought. he bought a fully stocked ice cream truck. i guess he told her and daniel that before becoming an actor, he seriously considered being an ice cream man. and that my friends, is why i love him.

so i've been really into reading any fan fics about Harry Potter lately. If anyone knows of any good ones out there, particularly relating to ginny/harry    or ron/hermione    can you please comment me back with the link. thanks so much. i will probably write again later =)

We've all heard the phrase -mind over matter-. As it stands here, this phrase merely encourages a person to overcome any earthly odds that stand in their way by believing in themselves. Now, i consider myself knowledgeable and am not one to fall for cheap pick up lines and false senses of love. But i am in a slump. Why can't I leave this behind? I just feel that what i have (however hard and misleading it may be) is worth waiting for. Something has to be coming, something has to change that makes everything i have endured worth it. I'm not asking for a fairytale. I'm asking for what we all know should happen. Maybe i'm just naive to being naive. Maybe i'm just to afraid to face the truth. Whatever it may be, my mind is telling me that this obstacle cannot be overcome, and i must turn around, or try to find a path around it. But if that means leaving this behind without being completed, then i must prove this saying wrong. My mind is telling me that the matter i am after is not feasible. That i am wasting my time and efforts on chasing light.But my heart tells me if i just stick it out , just for a moment longer, i can gain speed and will finally be able to say, 'I have caught the light i have been chasing after for so long." I have to prove everyone who doubted this wrong. I have to prove my mind wrong, even though it has never been wrong yet. Which begs a another question. Do i trust my mind, which had always led me ont he right path and has always been right about situations at hand? Or do trust my heart, which got me into this whole mess in the first place, which has fooled me, and betrayed me so many times before, which has been fooled and betrayed before? Going against my better judgment, i must take the road less traveled on this one, and trust the least trustworthy, hoping i will prevail.